Help the Anxious and Depressed Women In Your Life

Paging Dr. Friend, Help the Anxious and Depressed Women In Your Life

This month is Women’s History month and we wanted to share some important information about anxiety and depression in women. To start, did you know that women experience both anxiety and depression at a higher rate than men?

There can be various reasons for this, but most likely we see this come about due to hormonal changes and societal expectations placed on women in today’s family units and workplace environments. Women are widely praised as being “superwoman” and while that title can be flattering, it bears an amount of pressure that is often unbearable.

The women experiencing anxiety or depression can be our closest friends, family members and ourselves. Sometimes it’s hard for us to speak up and tell someone how we are feeling, which is why when we find out that someone close to us has been suffering, it can appear to be surprising. The good news is that we can check on our friends and check in with ourselves to make sure that we are all okay.

Here are a few quick tips to help women who struggle with anxiety and depression. Let’s help each other out this month and for the years to come!

Make a list of your closest friends who are women or identify as women (and family members as well!).
Set a day and time to check in with them and catch up on their lives at a time convenient for the both of you. To schedule this can be a challenge, we are all so busy. Try this format: Monday- send a quick text message to the friend/family member and see what days and times are usually best for a call to catch up (in person is great too, if you both have the time- the key here is to help feel better not stress either of you further). Send a quick calendar invite so that it isn’t forgotten. Have your call or meet up!
During your check-in call or meeting, practice active listening. A good rule of thumb is no nearby phones or distractions. This could be after the kids have gone to bed or on the weekend when they are at a friend’s house.
Set a time to follow up with your friend or family member! The relationship doesn’t end here, set some reminders to check in with them and make sure that they know that they feel valued and loved.
Explore how you felt after the call or meeting. Did what they say resonate with you? Did you feel you wanted to take your own advice? Make one last appointment for self-care to take care of YOU as well.

This practice is not just helpful for your friend, but it can be helpful for you as well. If you feel as though people don’t reach out to you as much, this will help to connect with them and often a little effort goes a long way. Your friend may be encouraged by you reaching out, and want to make more of an effort as well. Relationships are work, and so is lifting each other up! The more that we connect on the phone and in person, the better we feel mentally and spiritually. Who will you reach out to this month?

5 Tips For Finding A Therapist

Blog, Therapy

With so many options on the internet for therapy, finding a therapist can be overwhelming. Add overwhelm to how you are already feeling and it’s a recipe for frustration! We understand and want to help you find the right therapist for you.

While many great platforms exist to help you find a great therapist (for example: Psychology Today or Therapy Den), we are providing 5 easy steps to help you get started. These steps can be used along with platforms like Psychology Today, or separately!

Our steps can help you find the right match and there are many things to consider when finding a therapist. The search may not be quick, but that’s ok! It’s most important to take the time to find someone who is qualified, experienced, and someone you can trust.

Here are a few tips to help you in your search for finding a therapist:

Research: Before you make an appointment, make sure to research. Look for a therapist who is licensed in your state and specializes in the type of treatment you need. Read reviews, ask for referrals, and don’t be afraid to ask questions.
Ask for recommendations: This applies to people you already trust! Talk to trusted friends and ask for their recommendations. We don’t recommend speaking with family, as that may lead to difficult situations. However, friends may be able to provide you with insight into which therapist would be the right fit for you.
Consider your comfort level: Your comfort level is important when it comes to therapy. Make sure you feel comfortable with the therapist you choose. Set some internal boundaries and consider the type of person you are most comfortable with before meeting. For example, some therapists can be more blunt and to the point, and some can use a softer approach. Whichever will help you most is the right choice.
Schedule a consultation: Before committing to a therapist, schedule a consultation to get a feel for how the therapist works and if they are the right fit for you.
Check your insurance: Before scheduling an appointment, make sure your insurance is accepted at the practice. If you have any questions, they can assist!

We hope these tips will help with finding a therapist! To learn more about our therapists click here.

How to make marriage work

Blog, Couples

In the months and years after the pandemic experience, relationships have been suffering. Let’s face it, marriage is tough and making a marriage work is hard!

For many of us, we aren’t sure how to make it better and feel like we’ve tried everything but nothing seems to help. Frustration sets in, and causes us to feel as though we’ve failed. Maybe you’re tired, burnt out, confused and starting to feel hopeless.

At Turning Stone Counseling we always say you don’t have to struggle alone; there is support. That statement includes married couples as well! Although there are two of you, it can be a very isolating experience when situations start to become difficult.

Marriage is not easy. It takes two people who are determined to make it work and are fully committed to the relationship. To help guide couples, Dr. John Gottman created the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. These principles include trust, commitment, acceptance, respect, compromise, support and optimism.

Trust is the foundation of any successful marriage. Both partners need to be honest with each other and be willing to keep confidence to make marriage work. They must also be able to rely on each other in difficult times and know that their partner will support them. His work is beneficial for those having a tough time in their marriage, and those looking to avoid difficulties in the future.

Here are 3 key marriage solutions that you will learn after completing our workshop:

How to know the difference between a perpetual problem that can be changed, and one that cannot.

A great example of a problem without an easy solution would be a partner having ADHD and constantly forgetting to put keys by the door. This may be frustrating for the non-ADHD partner, but they will be able to understand why it keeps happening. There may be something that can be done to remedy this problem, but the ADHD is not something that can be changed.

A problem that may have a solution and could be changed would be the burden of chores within the relationship. How can both partners make a chore routine that will work well for their individual needs? A solution and change is possible.

Better ways to communicate with each other.

One of the ways that we work with communication is using the “I feel” statements. It’s easy when we are frustrated with each other to place blame. Taking the blame ourselves and explaining why it makes us feel a certain way, is a helpful way to allow the other person to easily step into our shoes and see our perspective. Remember, everyone is seeing the world from their unique and individual perspectives.

Learning ways to diffuse a tough situation.

By utilizing the four horseman from Gottman, or rather the four conversation styles, a couple will be able to understand the communication aspects and know what will trigger their partner so that they can make sure to avoid that style of communication. It will also teach each partner about why they respond the way that they do, and how to reframe the situation or redirect the discussion.

If this sounds like a workshop that would help to improve your relationship or to set your relationship on the right foundation for the future, we would love to have you at our next workshop in April. Sign up here to reserve your place in the class!

What is Trauma and trauma therapy?

Blog, Trauma

What is Trauma?

Trauma is a word that is often used to describe a range of experiences and symptoms. It is a physiological or emotional response to something that had a deeply disturbing effect on an individual. It can be a present or past experience and often has lingering effects on the rest of our nervous system.

We can have small trauma’s or big trauma’s throughout our life. Small trauma’s can be the loss of a loved animal or a bullying incident in school. Big trauma can be a car accident or being injured while serving our country. The individual is the one who identifies whether a trauma is big or small based on how their body is responding to it.

Trauma can have a wide-reaching impact on one’s physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, potentially affecting all aspects of life. Without proper therapy for trauma, trauma can continue to affect a person throughout their life.

The Impact of Trauma on the Brain

Trauma has been linked to a wide range of physical, psychological, and behavioral effects. The impact of trauma on the brain is particularly profound, as it can result in neurological disturbances that can last for extended periods of time or even become permanent.

Traumatic events/experiences create a stress response within our bodies. This stress response has been shown to affect the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. Over time and/or left untreated, changes to the brain in these areas can result. Learning, memory, and the way we process information can be altered and affected. Bessel van der Kolk describes three additional ways the brain changes when trauma has occurred.

Symptoms of Trauma

Symptoms of trauma are vast and can look like many other disorders and illnesses. It’s important to talk to a skilled practitioner to better understand your symptoms in relation to trauma. Below is a list of trauma symptoms we often see:

Cognitive:

Intrusive thoughts of the event that may occur out of the blue
Nightmares
Visual images of the event
Loss of memory and concentration abilities
Disorientation
Confusion
Mood swings

Behavioral:

Avoidance of activities or places that trigger memories of the event
Social isolation and withdrawal
Lack of interest in previously-enjoyable activities

Physical:

Easily startled
Tremendous fatigue and exhaustion
Tachycardia
Edginess
Insomnia
Chronic muscle patterns
Sexual dysfunction
Changes in sleeping and eating patterns
Vague complaints of aches and pains throughout the body
Extreme alertness; always on the lookout for warnings of potential danger

Psychological:

Overwhelming fear
Obsessive and compulsive behaviors
Detachment from other people and emotions
Emotional numbing
Depression
Guilt – especially if one lived while others perished
Shame
Emotional shock
Disbelief
Irritability
Anger
Anxiety
Panic attacks

Types of Trauma

If you do any google search on types of trauma, you will get an array of different answers. We have expanded our definitions of trauma types over the years. Here is a breakdown:

How Trauma can show up includes:

Acute Trauma which is a single incident/experience of trauma.
Chronic Trauma which is repeated or prolonged exposure to a trauma incident/experience.
Complex (or Developmental) trauma which is both childhood trauma and the long-term effects of trauma throughout the span of time.

Different Trauma Types can include any of the following:

Natural Disasters
Accidents
Community Violence
Sexual Abuse and/or Assualt
Intimate Partner Violence
Medical Trauma/Birth Traumas
Physical Abuse
Neglect
Relational Traumas that can encompass things like neglect, physical or sexual abuse
Work or Organizational Traumas
Vicarious Trauma (often seen in First Responders and other helping professionals
Military Service Traumas
Religious Traumas
Cult Traumas
Racial Trauma or Insidious trauma towards Oppressed and Marginalized groups

Then you can include the impact of Big Trauma/Little Trauma’s discussed earlier. Again its how the individual defines their own experience to that particular incident including their physiological and emotional response.

Benefits of Therapy

Trauma therapy provides a ton of benefits for individuals seeking out healing from their traumatic experiences. Some benefits include:

Developing a clearer understanding of themselves through psychoeducation
Establishing or Re-establishing a sense of safety within the world
Developing resources that help ground and support an individual through challenging emotional moments.
Identifying coping strategies to support healthier interactions with friends, colleagues, loved ones.
A decrease in symptoms.
Developing healthier attachments.
Developing hope and a better sense of self.

How to Find Therapy for Healing

Trauma therapy can be found in your area by searching specifically for therapists who specialize in therapy for trauma. Therapists should not only be trauma-informed but also have more advanced training to support you in your healing journey.

Conclusion

In conclusion, trauma is a wide-ranging and complex issue that can have serious, long-term impacts on individuals, families, and communities. It is important to understand the causes of trauma in order to be able to identify it and provide appropriate support for those affected. Trauma is something that impacts us all, whether directly or indirectly. For those who have been personally impacted by trauma, it’s important to remember that you are not alone and there is help available.

Therapy: Understanding the Nuts & Bolts

Blog, Therapy

What is Therapy and What Therapy is not!

Therapy is

Therapy Scene from Austin Powers

Just kidding. Therapy is “treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder”, according to the Oxford Dictionary; but it’s so much more for many people. Therapy is often a space where two or more people can feel safe sharing parts of themselves without judgment. Counseling can often provide relief simply through the relationship between the two individuals but its not without discomfort and vulnerability.

Therapy is a place where you can talk about things that affect you from the present to the past as well as future concerns. Counseling does not look the same for all people, nor would you want it to. Later on we will discuss the different types of therapies available and why it can be helpful to find a therapy type that works for you and how you function.

Counseling is not like having a best friend to talk to, although it’s not uncommon for the boundaries to be blurred when you work with a therapist from time to time. Because of the relationship you form, many clients often want to know more about their therapist. Therapists will often redirect the dialogue to put the focus back on the client to help with re-establishing those boundaries.

Therapy is not a quick fix to your problems/issues/concerns. If it was then we could automate it with machines and artificial intelligence (AI). Counseling is often viewed as an onion with many layers that need to be peeled apart to support the person in understanding themselves better.

Therapy is not one size fits all. Not every therapist will work well with every client. Later we discuss strategies to find the best fit for you.

Counseling is not a place where you get advice. This can be confusing because therapists will make suggestions which can provide the client some direction but it’s not ‘this is what is best for you therefore here is my advice’. Most therapists provide clarifying statements using their clients verbiage in different ways to ultimately help the client make better choices. Clients may not be as aware that this is the strategy used but often the clients outcome is a direct result of the clients values, beliefs, and statements.

Why therapy works/Why it doesn’t

Therapy has been around since the 1930’s/40’s. Therapy is an art and a science but predominantly is based off of countless research studies. The art comes from the therapist’s style, personality, and training.

Research has shown us various techniques and interventions that are effective with many issues clients bring into the session. However the number one evidenced based component of why therapy works is the relationship between the client and therapist. This is also why counseling does not work sometimes. When it’s not the right fit between a client and therapist then therapy is not effective.

Many things go into finding the right fit that we will talk about later.

Expectations, Goals, and Outcomes in Counseling

As previously mentioned, there is no magic wand with therapy. It’s more like a really good recipe and part of that recipe is being clear on expectations, goals, and understanding the outcomes of counseling.

Unclear or irrational expectations about therapy can be harmful to the process and hinder future counseling episodes. We encourage everyone to set an initial expectation that there will be consistent dialogue about the work throughout the process of therapy. Therefore talking about what’s working/not working, reviewing progress, and clarifying goals. This should be the expectation between both the therapist and the client. This transparency not only helps the relationship but also makes the goals of counseling much clearer.

Outcomes in therapy look different for everyone. Remember that onion analogy, we will add to that with the idea that onions come in all different shapes and sizes. Therefore therapy could take eight sessions or six years.

Tips to finding a really good therapist

Just like every doctor, teacher, babysitter may not be a good fit for you, therapists fall into that category as well. It’s hard to find a good therapist but it’s not impossible. Here are some tips we recommend when looking for a therapist.

Write down the following: what are you looking for in a therapist, what qualities such as someone who is direct vs. passive listener, what has been successful for you in the past (an example could be a therapist who is more creative in their practices), what’s your non-negotiables (takes your insurance, no further than 20 minutes away, male identifying, in person, evening hours, etc)
Get recommendations from other friends/family members
See if they offer 15 minute consultations prior to being scheduled
It’s okay to schedule with a couple different therapists for initial sessions. Many therapists may not be a fan of this set up but we often find it beneficial to explore all options plus it helps you to not feel stuck with one person until the other therapists have openings. Make sure to inform them that this is what you’re doing so it can be part of the discussion at the end of the session.
If you know you’re looking for a specific type of therapy to help with a certain issue that can help narrow down your choices (therapist who specializes in OCD or has a speciality in working with military families)
Get on the waitlist once you find a couple of possibilities and if appointment time flexibility is an option for you make that known.

In the end it’s perfectly okay to ‘shop’ around for the best fit in a therapist. It will save you time and money in the long run. Check out our blog 8 Tips to finding a therapist

What are the different types of counseling and why does that matter

For some, knowing what type of therapy you need can help you narrow down your search even more and have better outcomes.

Types of issues that may require specially trained therapists: OCD, Trauma, Hair pulling disorders, couples/marriage, school refusal, addictions, grief, suicidality or self injurious behaviors.

Every year new treatment modalities come out that may benefit specific issues. There are certainly some older types of treatment that are effective for lots of issues like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). We won’t be able to list all of the modalities out there but here is a brief list wiht links to better understand them.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Exposure Response Prevention for OCD
Habit Reversal Training for Skin Picking & Hair Pulling
Trauma (Somatic Therapies, EMDR, Brainspotting, etc)
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) for suicidality/self-injurious behaviors

Their Stuff/My Stuff: Creating a boundary of ownership

Anxiety, Blog

Do you ever find yourself saying…’It’s their fault for ruining my day today’ or ‘If they didn’t do this I wouldn’t feel this way’? What about when someone else gets mad about something and you think “I shouldn’t have done that.”

One of the more challenging issues that come up in therapy is learning to take ownership for your stuff and to stop taking ownership for someone else’s stuff.

We think of this as a necessary boundary that can dramatically improve your mental health.

Depending on how you were raised and the relationships you had over the years, there is often a blurred line between somebody else stuff and yours. Sometimes people take ownership for everything that happens between them and others. Other times people take no ownership for their behaviors.

We could create an entire list of the reasons why some people own too much and others don’t own enough of their stuff. Everything from anxiety/control to past trauma to family dynamics can play a role. Here are some simple steps to learning to own your own stuff:

Understanding your why can be important in developing this boundary of your stuff/my stuff. Why do you take on others stuff or why do you not take on others stuff?
Becoming more aware of when you take on others stuff or are unable to own your own stuff. Awareness is half the battle in this work.
Learn to communicate what’s your versus theirs.

Here are some simple ways to differentiate between your stuff and someone else’s:

Identify if you actually played a role in the event, situation, emotion, etc. If you didn’t then you cannot own (or feel responsible for it- that doesn’t mean you won’t feel empathy). If you did play a role, what was your exact part of the incident? Did that part contribute to the outcome?
Are you feeling overly responsible because that’s who you are, someone made you feel that way, you have some underlying guilt, or it was a triggering event that brought up your own stuff? (If its the latter- that then becomes your stuff to own but only the part that is triggering your unresolved stuff.)
Sometimes the part you play is your deeper stuff that you haven’t dealt with yet. It’s okay that this happens but consider going to therapy or having a strong support person to help you talk through those deeper issues.

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