Therapy Tales (part one): The Nuts & Bolts of Therapy 

Therapy Tales (part one): The Nuts & Bolts of Therapy 

What is Therapy and What Therapy is not!


Therapy is 

Therapy Scene from Austin Powers

Just kidding. Therapy is “treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder”, according to the Oxford Dictionary; but it’s so much more for many people. Therapy is often a space where two or more people can feel safe sharing parts of themselves without judgment. Therapy can often provide relief simply through the relationship between the two individuals but its not without discomfort and vulnerability. 

Therapy is a place where you can talk about things that affect you from the present to the past as well as future concerns. Therapy does not look the same for all people, nor would you want it to. Later on we will discuss the different types of therapies available and why it can be helpful to find a therapy type that works for you and how you function. 

Therapy is not like having a best friend to talk to, although it’s not uncommon for the boundaries to be blurred when you work with a therapist from time to time. Because of the relationship you form, many clients often want to know more about their therapist. Therapists will often redirect the dialogue to put the focus back on the client to help with re-establishing those boundaries. 

Therapy is not a quick fix to your problems/issues/concerns. If it was then we could automate it with machines and artificial intelligence (AI). Therapy is often viewed as an onion with many layers that need to be peeled apart to support the person in understanding themselves better. 

Therapy is not one size fits all. Not every therapist will work well with every client. Later we discuss strategies to find the best fit for you. 

Therapy is not a place where you get advice. This can be confusing because therapists will make suggestions which can provide the client some direction but it’s not ‘this is what is best for you therefore here is my advice’. Most therapists provide clarifying statements using their clients verbiage in different ways to ultimately help the client make better choices. Clients may not be as aware that this is the strategy used but often the clients outcome is a direct result of the clients values, beliefs, and statements. 

Why therapy works/Why it doesn’t

Therapy has been around since the 1930’s/40’s. Therapy is an art and a science but predominantly is based off of countless research studies. The art comes from the therapist’s style, personality, and training. 

Research has shown us various techniques and interventions that are effective with many issues clients bring into the session. However the number one evidenced based component of why therapy works is the relationship between the client and therapist. This is also why therapy does not work sometimes. When it’s not the right fit between a client and therapist then therapy is not effective. 

Many things go into finding the right fit that we will talk about later. 

Expectations, Goals, and Outcomes in Therapy

As previously mentioned, there is no magic wand with therapy. It’s more like a really good recipe and part of that recipe is being clear on expectations, goals, and understanding the outcomes of therapy. 

Unclear or irrational expectations about therapy can be harmful to the process and hinder future therapy episodes. We encourage everyone to set an initial expectation that there will be consistent dialogue about the work throughout the process of therapy. Therefore talking about what’s working/not working, reviewing progress, and clarifying goals. This should be the expectation between both the therapist and the client. This transparency not only helps the relationship but also makes the goals of therapy much clearer. 

Outcomes in therapy look different for everyone. Remember that onion analogy, we will add to that with the idea that onions come in all different shapes and sizes. Therefore therapy could take eight sessions or six years. 

Tips to finding a really good therapist

Just like every doctor, teacher, babysitter may not be a good fit for you, therapists fall into that category as well. It’s hard to find a good therapist but it’s not impossible. Here are some tips we recommend when looking for a therapist. 

  • Write down the following: what are you looking for in a therapist, what qualities such as someone who is direct vs. passive listener, what has been successful for you in the past (an example could be a therapist who is more creative in their practices), what’s your non-negotiables (takes your insurance, no further than 20 minutes away, male identifying, in person, evening hours, etc)
  • Get recommendations from other friends/family members
  • See if they offer 15 minute consultations prior to being scheduled
  • It’s okay to schedule with a couple different therapists for initial sessions. Many therapists may not be a fan of this set up but we often find it beneficial to explore all options plus it helps you to not feel stuck with one person until the other therapists have openings. Make sure to inform them that this is what you’re doing so it can be part of the discussion at the end of the session. 
  • If you know you’re looking for a specific type of therapy to help with a certain issue that can help narrow down your choices (therapist who specializes in OCD or has a speciality in working with military families)
  • Get on the waitlist once you find a couple of possibilities and if appointment time flexibility is an option for you make that known. 

In the end it’s perfectly okay to ‘shop’ around for the best fit in a therapist. It will save you time and money in the long run. 

What are the different types of therapy and why does that matter

For some, knowing what type of therapy you need can help you narrow down your search even more and have better outcomes. 

Types of issues that may require specially trained therapists: OCD, Trauma, Hair pulling disorders, couples/marriage, school refusal, addictions, grief, suicidality or self injurious behaviors. 

Every year new treatment modalities come out that may benefit specific issues. There are certainly some older types of treatment that are effective for lots of issues like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). We won’t be able to list all of the modalities out there but here is a brief list wiht links to better understand them. 

Choosing a Therapist: 8 Things to Consider

Choosing a Therapist: 8 Things to Consider

Choosing a Therapist can be really difficult, time consuming, and can lead to you throwing in the towel and settling. Here is a list of 8 Things to Consider while you’re exploring your options.


  1.    Are they Available when you are Available? 
  • Therapists have specific availability and it’s important to make sure that you find someone who can fit within your schedule. No matter how good a therapist is or how strongly they come recommended, if it’s not going to work with your schedule, you probably won’t stay consistent. 


  • A suggestion we have is to jot down 2-3 super convenient times for you. Additionally, jot down 1-2 ‘OK’ times for yourself. This gives you some leeway to finding a therapists schedule that will set the stage to be the best fit for you.


     2. Location:

  • It doesn’t matter how good someone is, if driving to them may get old or too stressful or you find you can never make it on time- It may not be the best place for you. 


  • A suggestion would be to google their address along with any commuting paths to see what it would really take to get there. Then ask yourself: is it feasible?


    3.  Know What and Why you’re seeking Counseling at this time:

  • Even if you are having a hard time articulating what exactly you are struggling with, just take down some notes of what got you to this point. Remember a therapist’s job is to help you figure the next steps out. 


  • This will help set the stage for finding a therapist who can work with what you bring to the table. 


    4.  Research, Research, Research!

  • Not all Therapists are alike. Many are not trained in the same way or have the additional training it may take to work with everyone’s problem areas. 


  • A suggestion we have is to ask around, talk to others, ask the school, check in on social media. It can be surprising who recommends who and why. 


    5.  Piggy Backing on #3- Every therapist has a unique style!

  • It’s so important to have a general idea of what works for you and what does not. Are you a sensitive person? Maybe not as social as others? Or maybe you really love to talk? Knowing this can really help you narrow down what you may like in a therapist. 


  • A suggestion we have is to jot down things about someone that you wouldn’t like, then make a couple notes about yourself. When you’re doing the research from #3 ask about those things, i.e. Is that therapist passive? Do you feel heard?


    6.  Consultation

  • Many practices will offer an opportunity to have an in-person or over the phone consultation. It may not always be marketed on their website but you can always ask to speak to the potential therapist for a couple minutes. For some this is just enough time to really feel like you could connect with this person on a deeper level. 


    7.  Using Insurance:

  • Know your Mental Health Benefits. It’s not uncommon for insurances to have limitations or different financial stipulations for mental health benefits. And some don’t have them at all (Crazy…I know!). Stay tuned for more information about insurances in a later post. 


  • Double check that not only the practice but the specific therapist you want to see is in network with your insurance. Many times therapists have worked other places or are working at two places so they may see clients with your insurance in one place but not the other. 


  • Certain times of the year people change jobs or jobs change insurances. You may be thinking well I’ll just get started with this therapist and if it changes we will cross that bridge then. In theory, it’s great that you stay focused on the present BUT so many times this can be very damaging in your work. Know if the therapist takes other insurances and if not, do they take Out of Network and what is their out of pocket rate. Prepare, Prepare, Prepare!

   8.  Finances and Frequency:

  • I added this because many times we aren’t prepared for the out of pocket costs that come with receiving therapy. Deductibles, Co-payments, Co-insurances add up. And if you’re Self Pay, meaning you pay out of pocket for all expenses, ouch! Know if the practice and/or therapist has an unspoken requirement to being seen (we won’t get into ethics here but this occurs a lot in practices). Here at Turning Stone Counseling we believe that assessing your needs at each session is best practice, therefore if need more (say risk issues or severe depression) then we will have that conversation with you; maybe you need less and that’s OK too. 


  • A suggestion would be to ask about required frequency prior to committing.


We hope this was helpful! Check us out at!


3 Ways Counseling and Massages are Similar

3 Ways Counseling and Massages are Similar

You may be wondering how are massages and counseling similar? In all my years of doing therapy I never connected the two but they are very similar.

About a year ago I started to commit to getting a monthly massage from one of those membership places that I won’t name. Who doesn’t love a massage, right? This was going to be one of my self care rituals that I did just for me. 

I know I was going because let’s face it I sit all day and needed something to help with the muscle tension in my neck and shoulders. This was going to be incredibly helpful. 

What came up for me in the process…

As I committed myself to this monthly practice, I needed to get clear on what the purpose was for me. There are many uses for a massage and I knew I had problem areas but I also wanted to relax in the process. 

I figured that my measurement for success was going to be a little bit of relaxation with a little bit of muscle soreness from working out all my knots. What’s that old saying ‘no pain no gain’, I thought I would feel a little pain afterwards because she was doing good work on my back. 

My first therapist provided me with that ‘ok’ feeling…I didn’t notice a whole lot of relief nor did I notice muscle soreness due to some big knot being worked out. I was definitely relaxed during the process so at least I was accomplishing one of my goals. 

I’d be lying if I said that I never thought about all the money it costs to see a massage therapist. I really wanted to reap the benefits and achieve my goals. But I didn’t know how to ask.  

Knowing My Why and Asking for What I Need

That’s when I began to connect how similar the process is between seeing a massage therapist and seeing a mental health counselor. In part, I was going through exactly what my clients go through when they start the process of seeking therapy.  

At some point I knew that I would have to ask for what I needed and work through all of the uncomfortable feelings that come up when trying to get my needs met. I believe I laughed at myself several times for how similar this process really is to what I provide to my clients and how much I didn’t want to do that work. 

See I liked the person I had been seeing for the past couple of months. She was nice, friendly, and I felt like she heard me when I complained about my body aches. 

But I needed and wanted more. I was having thoughts ‘that would be rude to just dis her…I wouldn’t want that to happen to me’. ‘I can’t tell her that I don’t feel significant relief after each session…could I?’


I’m going to digress to another part of my experience that was happening co-currently, which is having to be vulnerable. Vulnerability, according to the dictionary is defined as “the state of being open to injury or attack.” No you’re not being attacked or injured (let’s hope) in getting a massage but it’s as vulnerable as it gets exposing your body to a complete stranger. 

As a therapist, there are so many parallels between being vulnerable with someone like me in an office where we aren’t touching but you’re sharing so much of you- to having a complete stranger work your muscles out half naked. I still am baffled and amazed at how vulnerable this process really is. 

It takes a lot of work to get to a place where you can feel that closeness as well as feel safe to put your thoughts out there and hope you won’t be judged or scrutinized. How similar that feeling is to having a massage therapist work on your problem areas session after session.  

As a therapist myself, I know that taking those risks and getting uncomfortable is what helps me and others grow- I’m a WIP (Work in Progress). I invite and encourage you to work towards sitting with uncomfortable in your journey- it is one of the best ways to grow. 

Knowing What You Need & Asking For It

One of the last things I do in my first session with a client is to ask if they feel it’s a good fit for them. I’m basically asking them do they think I will help them get their needs met. 

When I ask this I am truly looking for honesty but I know in the back of my head that some people are not quite ready to say – ‘Yeah that’s a hard no for me’. That takes courage in the first session and many times it was hard enough to get to that first appointment, so the thought of going back to the drawing board just seems like more work. 

In my process I decided that it was time I was clear with what I needed. I needed her to up the pressure and focus on those knots in my back. I actually had to talk myself through this a couple times. 

Guess what happened next! I received a call the week before my appointment that she was no longer there and I had to pick a new person. I have to admit there was a part of me that was relieved and a part that was frustrated because I now needed to have that conversation with this new person. 


I have to say I don’t know what was harder, changing therapists, being vulnerable, or asking for what I need. Change is inevitable and most of us know this sub-consciously; but when it happens boy does it mess with you. 

Moving on to the next therapist I felt she was really cool and seemed to really understand the body. I told her from the beginning what my goals were and how much pressure I could handle. 

Well wouldn’t you know it. Her pressure left me crying most months. I felt super confused with what to do at first but then realized that I just needed to communicate this to her. It wasn’t easy but she heard me and was able to meet my needs. 

I went through one more person who was incredible but she left to go to law school before finding my current person. Each session, I work hard on asking for what I need and communicating what’s working and what’s not, as well as sitting with being vulnerable. 

 Remember that it takes courage to work towards your needs. You can do it and don’t give up trying. 

In summary:

  1. Know Your Why? What are you looking to get from the experience? What do you need? And how do you ask for that? Finding someone who is open to collaborate with you on this is essential. 
  2. Vulnerability is a normal part of the process. Growth comes from being vulnerable and uncomfortable. It won’t be easy but in the end you will be that much closer to your goals.  
  3. Change can come at any time in the process. It’s uncomfortable and difficult. It will make you want to give up but Change can help us grow too!

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